Rece’s Piece

I was just thinking this morning that life is really funny. I’ve walked around for years saying that I hate Brooklyn. No real reason to hate it, just in my opinion, the majority of Brooklyn is the hood.

When I was leaving my first nursing job, I was looking for something that was not in the actual hospital, but in an outpatient office. Of all of the places to work and all of the positions available, the one that made the most sense at the time was the one in Brooklyn. Real funny!

The drive was annoying, looking for parking was annoying, alternate side of the street parking was annoying, the people there act different and speak different and they’re annoying. It gave me more reasons to hate Brooklyn.

After 2 years of dealing with it, I started to look for another job. At first, I only looked in areas that were close to where I live. I don’t really like long commutes, although I had gotten used to it. I wasn’t able to find anything that was really good and worth taking.

I decided to broaden my horizons and look for jobs in Manhattan. Manhattan is my second most hated place, but only because it takes so long to get there from where I live and there’s no parking so you’re forced to take public transportation.

Here goes life being funny again! As soon as I begin to apply for jobs out there, calls start coming in and a particular hospital gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse.

Here I am today, almost done with my 2nd week of orientation. I take the express bus to the city and it’s actually not that bad.

Cute way for life to throw me in places I never imagined and forcing me to experience it and form an opinion based on experience and not based on nothingness.

Clever!

I realized I mentioned that I went for my pre-employment physical, but never explicitly said that I accepted a job offer. I’m moving on up like the Jefferson’s!

I’ll be working at a hospital in the city, on the rheumatology unit. It’s an outpatient department as well, so I’ll be working Monday-Friday, no weekends and no holidays. What more could I ask for?

While I’m not thrilled to be working in the city, I feel like it’s something I had to try. When I first became a nurse, I was offered a job in the city, but ended up accepting something closer to home. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had accepted that job instead. This feels almost like a do-over.

I’m very excited to have a new job and to be making way more money than I was making before. I feel even better because when I tell people where I’ll be working, I hear nothing but good things about that hospital.

On the other hand, I feel like I can’t be as happy as I’d like to be because the people closest to me are either unhappy with their job and looking for a new job, working but making much less than they are worth, or unemployed. I want to celebrate and be happy, but who am I going to do that with? I’m sure they’re happy for me, but it just makes things awkward.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. It’s not the first time this has happened. I would be sleepy, but when I lay down to sleep, I can’t fall asleep.

I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe, or probably how a claustrophobic person might feel. I just wanted to go outside and get some air. I felt like the room was too hot… but the air conditioner was on. I felt like I was moving and fidgeting too much, so I tried to stay still.

I tried distracting myself by thinking of random things and thinking of songs. It worked for a few, then the suffocating feeling returned. Eventually, I fell asleep. I fell into some deep sleep.

When I woke up today, I thought about it. I wondered if it’s anxiety or a panic attack. But why?

I made plans for myself.

God made plans for me as well.

I tried everything I could think of, and even things other people thought of, in order to make my plans work.

God let me try and try and try… AND TRY!

I tried until I had no more patience, no more energy and no other choice but to leave it up to Him.  I honestly thought that was the path He wanted me to take, but it was too hard and almost impossible for things to go that way. I got rid of the weight on my shoulders. I relaxed and realized that I can’t control everything and I wasn’t meant to control everything. If I could, then why would I need Him?

I learned a lot along the way. A lot about myself. Reaffirmed things I knew about Him.

Once I relaxed, He worked His magic and is still working His magic. His way is always better than mine.

On Tuesday, I went for my pre-employment physical for my new job. The people there are soooo nice. Everyone seems like they genuinely love their job. I think I say that I love my job every single time I start a new job, then the honeymoon period ends. In fact, at my last job, I swore I was staying there until I retired!

There was another young girl in there filling out paperwork as well. We both completed the paperwork around the same time. We were instructed to go across the street to the actual hospital building to have our blood drawn and to take a picture for our ID badges. For some reason, people tend to make me the leader in situations like this. She said she didn’t know where she was going (neither did I), and that she was going to follow me. Ok!

We went over to the hospital and began talking about nursing. She was just applying to nursing school, but was faced with some obstacles. She asked me several questions about what school I went to and what the program was like until I was called in to have my blood drawn. When I came out, I waved goodbye to her and she says, “I have one more question!” I’m like “Sure, what is it?” She says, “Do you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

Ummm… I do, but who randomly asks that question?

I can always tell when my life is going off track. It’s always evident in the things that I usually keep in order.

The thing that stands out the most to me is my checkbook. I always balance my checkbook. I need to know exactly how much Is going toward bills, how much I’m saving and how much I’m spending. I’m usually a big saver. I hardly do any major shopping and I keep a strict budget. When my life is out of order, I end up just paying bills when I get paid and not budgeting the rest of my money. This causes me to spend more than I would normally budget for and not save much of anything.

Another way it manifests is with working out. Under normal circumstances, I would workout fairly regularly, although I don’t have a set schedule. When my life is out of order, I don’t work out at all. Currently, I’ve worked out about once in the past month. Tomorrow I plan to start running again.

I get very lazy. I haven’t been to church in 3 weeks. Things that are supposed to be priority get pushed to the back burner. Nothing is priority now. I’ve just been doing what I want, when I want.

It’s time to get back on track. I guess this is just a part of the ebbs and flows of life. Things can’t be consistent all the time.

This is probably one of the roughest times in my life. I’ve been blessed with a relatively easy life until now. It seems like everything about my existence is being attacked… school, my relationship, work and finances. Everything came crashing down within a matter of one week. It’s one of those situations where all you can think to yourself is that this can’t be true, someone must be playing a joke.

In school, my professor gave me a final grade that was a whole letter lower than what I deserved. My relationship was almost non-existent and I had nothing left in me to fight for it. My job was becoming more and more of a burden and finding something new seemed impossible. As far as finances go, my finances were in order, but it just felt like everyone wanted a piece of what’s mine… all that I worked hard for.

All that kept running through my head was a quote from Pastor on Twitter.

Life is a fight for territory. Whenever you stop fighting for what you want, what you don’t want will take the territory.

I thought to myself, that if that was true, then all I had to do was fight. Simple!

I sent countless emails and made just as many phone calls to my professor and other group members. I was ready to send an email to the Chair of the Nursing Department, but after weeks of emailing and calling, my grade was changed. Apparently the professor marked a project (worth 50% of my grade) incorrectly.

Instead of giving up on him and us, we talked and talked and talked and worked through it. Stubbornness gets you nowhere, honesty gets you everywhere. Pretty scary, but that was probably the closest I’ve felt to being single in many years.

My job pushed me to the limit. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry. Angry to the point where tears just fall. Angry to the point of being reckless.  Within that week, I found out that I got a new job.

My last battle (for now) is my finances. Things have gone completely wrong with the co-op that I’m in contract to buy. I’m praying for a way out. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to be stuck, then I hear “You of little faith!” in my head. Is that me? Really?

God turned around every other situation that seemed like there would be no resolution, so why wouldn’t I trust Him to do the same for this one? I pray that He increases my faith. I pray that we are on one page and this my will is in line with His will for my life. I hear Him tell me “one thing at a time.” I read Matthew 6 and make a conscious decision not to worry.

I trust Him that things would work out as they should. This is the hardest test of them all, but I know I’ll come out much stronger on the other side. I can’t wait until the day I can look back and see what all this fighting is for. Until that day, I’m fighting for my life.

Last night I dreamed that a man came into the office at work to rob us. He went in the file room because he thought that’s where the money was kept. I didn’t see his features, but I knew he had a gun.

I ran into the medication room with some random female worker and locked the door. Not too long after, I heard a knock at the door. I was too scared to open it though. Shortly after I heard the knock, I peeked outside to see who it was. It was one of my good friends who is also my co-worker. When she saw me peek out, she ran back to the medication room to hide in there with us. We locked the door and waited until the police came.

To You,

I’d like to apologize if I’ve ever offended you in this lifetime. I do realize that while I mean no harm, my sarcasm can be offensive at times.

You should understand that I like my personal space. In the event that it’s violated, I may not be so nice about the situation until I am given my personal space again. If I snapped at you, I do apologize, but please understand where I am coming from.

I like to be treated fairly. I don’t like to feel like anyone is “getting over” on me. In the event that I do feel this way, I may say unpleasant things. I may also distance myself. I like justice. While I don’t believe I am wrong for requesting this, if I went about it the wrong way and offended you, then I apologize.

I talk about things I don’t understand, hoping that maybe someone else can make sense of it. There are a lot of things I don’t understand in life. At the top of this list is the behavior of humans. I don’t understand why people do or say the things they do. I think many people don’t even understand it themselves. In an effort to get clarity or to reason things through, I may or may not have discussed your business with another friend. Either I came to the conclusion that you are indeed crazy, or I realized that I am crazy. In any event, I apologize for what I may or may not have said about you to others.

If I’ve offended you for any other reason, I’m sorry.

Sincerely,
Misunderstood

Tomorrow I’m going to look at a co-op. I’ve been thinking about buying one for a while now, but the task of saving isn’t always the easiest thing. Not to mention, I haven’t found one that really stood out to me.

Today in my online search, I found one that I absolutely fell in love with. It has a new kitchen and bathroom, which are two things I really wanted. The only thing missing that I really wanted is a washer and dryer. I’m not sure if that’s a deal-breaker.  I’m really nervous and excited about going to look at it because I feel like this is “the one.”

While that sounds good, it’s a BIG step to take in life and financially. I just pray that I’m ready for it.